Santy Claus?
Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus?
What?
What? You scared me.
No, I'm not Santa Claus.
I wish I was.
What are you doing up, sweetheart?
Rocky bit my thumb.
Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.
Nervous or excited?
Shittin' bricks.
You shouldn't use that word.
Sorry. Shittin' rocks.
Him's nervous because he don't know if he's gettin' nothin'.
I don't think he should be nervous, and you shouldn't be, either.
'Cause if you're good, Santa knows it.
If you believe in him and in your mom...
...and you believe in...
...your dad...
...and you've been good all year round, Santa Claus will bring you something.
Sometimes I think all that Santa crap is just bull.
If he was so real, how come we didn't get squat last year?
We didn't do nothin' wrong and we still got the shaft.
Well, I happen to know for a fact that Santa Claus is real.
And in the next couple of days...
...somehow, I'm gonna prove it to you.
Every year, he comes to our house. I've seen him.
It's true?
Cross my heart.
It's a good idea you came to stay with us.
I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom.
And your house is always parked in the same place.
I think you better go back to bed, now.
Okay. How come you ain't sleeping?
I was looking for something.
You didn't notice if a man came here and delivered a letter today, did you?
Nope. How come?
Just wondering.
Now you get back to bed. Come here.
Are you sure you ain't Santy Claus?
I'm sure.
I can't even afford to be an elf.
I had two containers of K-rations... two containers...
...and I had Spam until it was coming out of my ears!
Aren't you having any breakfast?
No. Not in the mood.
What are you looking at?
The silent majesty of a winter's morn. The clean...
...cool chill of the holiday air.
An asshole, in a bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.
The shitter was full.
Have you checked our shitters, honey?
Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
He ought to know it's illegal. It's a storm sewer.
If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
Merry Christmas.
The shitter was full.
I have this suspicion that Catherine and Eddie don't have presents for their kids.
Rocky said Eddie told him Santa Claus wasn't coming this year.
Ruby Sue said the same thing last night. How can they have nothing for their kids?
He's been out of work for almost seven years.
In seven years he couldn't find a job?
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position.
So, how's the live bait business?
I can't complain. How you doing?
Not that good, actually.
Your company kill off all them people in India not long ago?
No, we missed out on that one.
You're pretty set so far as shopping goes?
Well, I can't lie to you, Clark.
The truth is, things ain't goin' too good at all.
You know I told you I borrowed the RV from a neighbor?
It's mine.
We live in it.
I had to sell off the house, the barn, the ten acres...
All I kept was a 50-foot plot, the pigs and the worm farm.
If I only had back the money me and Catherine sent that TV preacher...
...that was screwin' the hockey players.
What about the kids?
His kids can fend for themselves.
Your kids.
That's the bitch of it. I don't know what to do.
We coasted into town on fumes. The gas money give out in Gurney.
Ellen and I want to help you give the kids a nice Christmas.
No, Clark, I couldn't do that.
We insist.
No, I'm not one for charity.
I know that, Eddie. This isn't charity. It's family.
I don't know about that.
Now, come on, if you don't tell me what they want, I'll get it on my own.
This is a surprise, Clark.
This is a real nice surprise.
Just a real nice surprise.
Here's a list.
Alphabetical, starting with Catherine.
If it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get something for you, Clark.
Something really nice.
Is your house on fire, Clark?
No Bethany, those are Christmas lights.
Don't throw me down, Clark.
I'll try not to.
Is this the airport?
We're here!
Me and Bethany figured out the perfect gift for you.
Uncle Louis, you didn't have to buy me anything.
Damn it, Bethany, he guessed it.
That was fun.
I love riding in cars.
When did you move to Florida?
Are you still dating Clark?
You know you shouldn't have done that.
Oh, dear. Did I break wind?
Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell, no.
She means presents. You shouldn't have bought presents.
It isn't every day somebody moves into a new house.
They didn't move into a new house.
In the living room.
This house is bigger than your old one.
Is Rusty still in the Navy?
Why don't you go into the living room and say hello to everybody?
Hello, everybody! I should say it?
- Mom? - What?
This box is meowing.
She wrapped up her damn cat.
- Take it in the kitchen. Open it up. - And have a cat running around?
We can't leave it in the box.
Why would somebody wrap up a cat in a box?
She gets confused. She's old.
They don't have much money, so she takes things from the house...
...wraps them up, gives them away as presents.
Can't wait to see what I got!
This one here...
...is leaking.
Lime.
It's her Jell-O mold.
I'll take it, Eddie. Go into the living room and enjoy yourself.
Let's go find your sister.
Before we begin...
...since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas...
...I think she should lead us in the saying of grace.
What, dear?
Grace!
Grace? She passed away 30 years ago.
They want you to say grace.
The blessing.
"I pledge allegiance...
"...to the flag of the United States of America...
"...and to the republic...
"...for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible...
"...with liberty and justice for all."
Amen.
Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks...
...I think we're all in for a very big treat.
Save the neck for me, Clark.
I'm sorry.
Why are you crying?
I told you we put it in too early.
It's just a little dry. It's fine.
Here's the heart.
Aunt Bethany...
Does your cat happen to eat Jell-O?
I don't know about the cat...
...but I'm enjoying it.
Kids...
...I heard on the news...
...that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sled on its way in from New York.
You serious, Clark?
Load me up with a little more there. It's good.
What's wrong with the dog?
He's just yakking' on a bone. He's got it up. He's all right now.
Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table...
No.
He's probably just nosing through the trash.
If you're not doing anything constructive...
...run into the living room, get my stogie.
Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Louis?
He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
He keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas.
That should be it.
I told you, you had too many plugs in one outlet.
What is it?
Nothing. Let's go in and finish our dessert.
If that thing had nine lives, she just spent them all.
If you don't mind, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair.
It's a good quality item.
If you don't mind me askin', how much it set you back?
Do you smell something?
Fried pussycat.
It's not the chair, it's some kind of gas coming from the sewer.
My tree!
So, what's the matter with you?
Look what you've done to my tree!
It was an ugly tree anyway.
At least it's out of its misery.
- Dad's gonna flip out. - Nobody's gonna flip out.
We're gonna have a wonderful Christmas.
What the hell do you want?
I have a delivery for Clark W. Griswold.
I was supposed to deliver it yesterday...
...but it fell between the seats and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.
Merry Christmas.
- I can't believe it. - What is it?
A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?
It's from my company.
Your bonus.
My bonus.
Open it, Clarkie. Open it.
I hope it's a fortune.
I bet you do.
I was afraid...
Are you going to bawl all over it, or are you gonna open it?
I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell you all this, but what the heck?
With this bonus check, I'm putting in a swimming pool.
That's it. That's the big one!
Open it!
I'm sorry if I've been a little short with everyone lately.
I've been waiting for this bonus.
To make sure the pool goes in when the ground thaws...
...I had to lay out the money in advance.
Until this arrived, I didn't have enough to cover the check.
Tear the sucker open, Dad.
Drum roll.
If there's enough left, I'll fly you all down to help us dedicate it.
I can't swim, Clark.
I know that, Eddie.
What's wrong?
It's bigger than you expected?
Smaller?
What is it?
A one-year membership in the Jelly-of-the-Month Club.
That's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
That it is, Edward.
That it is, indeed.
I'm sorry.
If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head punch in the face I ever got! Goddamn it!
Son.
It's good.
If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me...
...I have one.
I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight.
Brought from his happy holiday slumber on Melody Lane with all the rich people.
I want him brought right here...
...with a big ribbon on his head and I want to look him straight in the eye...
...and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten...
...low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed...
...ignorant, bloodsucking, brainless, dickless, hopeless...
...heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped...
...worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!
Hallelujah!
Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
He has that crazy look in his eye.
I told you we should have gone to Hawaii.
Turn that thing off and get in the house!
I'll talk to him, Mom.
You know, Dad...
...I've been thinking.
Good talk.
Aren't you a teeny bit sorry we didn't get a Christmas tree?
Even though they're dirty and messy and corny and clichéd?
Where are you going to find a tree at this hour on Christmas Eve?
What's the matter?
Was that really necessary?
We needed a tree.
May I remind you that...
That this was all my idea? No, no. I'm well aware of that.
Could you just keep it in mind the next time you go berserk?
I didn't go berserk. I simply solved a problem.
We needed a coffin.
A tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve.
Louis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà...
Are you okay?
I'm fine, honey.
I fixed the newel post.
What's that sound?
Do you hear it?
It's a funny, squeaking sound.
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
I hear it, too.
I don't hear it anymore.
Squirrel!
What was it? Oh, my God!
Quiet! Shut up!
Mom, don't move.
We can't let it out of the living room.
Where's Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.
Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
Thank you, Catherine.
I'll try and trap it.
Russ!
We're here, Dad.
There you are.
Go get the hammer.
What do you need a hammer for?
I'll catch it in the coat and smack it with the hammer.
I'm going in with him.
Nora?
Is it gone?
It probably got scared and ran back into the tree.
Squirrel!
You just march right over there and slug that creep in the face.
I can't just attack someone.
All right, then. If you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.
Gone.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving.
Nobody walks out on this old-fashioned family Christmas.
No, we're all in this together.
This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency.
We're going to press on and have the happiest Christmas...
...since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.
And when Santa squeezes his fat, white ass down the chimney...
...he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
You're goofy.
Don't piss me off, Art.
- It's over. - Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't.
Stay out of this, Dad.
Clark, I think it's best if everyone just goes home.
Before things get worse.
Worse?! How could they get any worse?
Look around you, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell!
Son.
I love you. We all love you.
But this is a terrible night. Nothing's gone right. It's a disaster.
But losing your temper only makes things worse.
You're too good a father to act like this.
In years to come, you'll want your family to remember all the love you gave us...
...and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas.
You just cocked it up.
It's okay. It happens.
All our holidays were always such a mess.
How did you get through it?
I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
I love you.
Will you recite "The Night Before Christmas"?
No. It's your house.
It's your Christmas.
I'm retiring.
"The children were nestled All snug in their beds
"While visions of sugarplums Danced in their heads
"And Mama in her kerchief
"And I in my cap, just settled our brains For a long winter's nap
"When out on the lawn There arose such a clatter
"I sprang from my bed To see what was the matter
"Away to the window I flew like a flash
"Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
"The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
"Gave a luster of midday to objects below
"When what to my wondering eyes should appear
"But a miniature sleigh..."
...and Eddie.
And a man in his pajamas with a dog chain...
...tied to his wrists and ankles. What the...?
Stay here.
Merry Christmas, Clark.
You about ready to do some kissin'?
Officer, it seems my husband has been abducted.
The man was wearing a blue leisure suit...
...and the plates were from Kansas. He was a huge, beastly, bulging man.
I have never been treated like this in my life.
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
You're fired.
Where's the phone? I'm calling the police.
Just hold your wad there, fella.
Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here was my idea.
All right. He's still fired and you are going to jail.
It was my fault.
I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I said a few things I shouldn't have.
Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.
Thanks for telling us.
I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club.
In 17 years with the company, I've gotten a bonus every year, but this one.
You don't want to give bonuses, fine!
When people count on them as part of their salary...
What you did just plain...
Sucks.
Thank you, Russ.
My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
I appreciate that.
...is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this...
...on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
Sometimes things look good on paper, but...
...lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks.
A healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if...
...to get it, you have to hurt the ones you depend on.
It's people that make the difference. Little people, like you.
So, Carl...
...whatever you got last year...
...add 20 percent.
Go away, Todd.
If you want to come in, you are gonna have to break down the goddamn door!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Freeze!
Not you! Them!
This way, please.
I think you've made a terrible mistake.
I told you to freeze, mister.
May we blink?
- Thank God you're all right. - I'm fine. I'm just fine.
There was a big misunderstanding tonight.
Excuse me. Would you and Mrs. Shirley like to step outside so we can finish here?
- Don't bother. I'm not pressing charges. - What?
It was a mistake.
Mistake? Honey, you were kidnapped.
I did something I shouldn't have...
...and these people called me on it. This is Clark Griswold and his family.
Welcome to our home.
What's left of it.
Release B Squad.
What's going on here?
Remember how I was toying with the notion of suspending Christmas bonuses?
You didn't.
Of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck!
That's pretty low, mister.
If I had a rubber hose...
I changed my mind. I'm reinstating all the bonuses.
Look!
It's Santy Claus.
Uncle Clark, it's Santy Claus.
It's the Christmas star.
And that's all that matters tonight.
Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees.
See, kids...
It means something different to everybody.
Now I know what it means to me.
That ain't the frigging Christmas star.
It's the light on the sewage treatment plant.
Sewer gas.
Don't drop that!
"And the rocket's red glare
"The bombs bursting in air
"Gave proof through the night
"That our flag was still there
"Oh, say does that
"Star-spangled banner yet wave
"O'er the land of the free
"And the home of the brave"
Play ball!
Merry Christmas, Sparky.
Merry Christmas, honey.
I did it.